Ello ello.

Last night I stayed up til one reading my old posts. I was a right little drama queen! Made me laugh how one day I'd think my world was ending and the next I'm a bundle of joy. I'm very pleased that I'm more stable than that now. My mood stays relatively constant. 

Food wise I don't really think about it anymore. I just eat normally! I never thought I'd get to Where I am now, just normal eating patterns. It came with time, and a realisation that, because of how far I'd come, my relapses last maybe an hour, a day at most, and because of this I lost the fear of relapsing. I know if I get ED thoughts they will go away. This just took perseverance - literally just sticking through everything and eventually things even out. 

Mostly I just wanted to say a big thankyou. Reading through comments I realise what a wonderful support so many on here were for me- Vicky, Sairs and Andy to name a few. 

With love 

X

Rediscovered blog

To be honest I thought I'd deleted this blog! Put 'battleinmind' into Google to see what remnants were left and found...my whole flipping blog was.

Anyway it's lovely to see some people I used to really follow are still blogging, I still think of you guys a lot, wondering how you're doing.

I'm doing...well. Somehow, I genuinely don't know how, my eating disorder is becoming a thing of the past. That's not to say somedays I don't want to just eat raisins, but I don't act on impulses anymore. My breakthrough has been finding that I love exercise, it helps me see myself how I am, makes eating in moderation easier and just brings a lot of joy. Also realising I am worth a lot more Han I ever thought I was...my appearance is not what makes me me.

I have 8 months left of my nursing degree and I have a giant pile of work to do but it'll be fiiiiinnneeee.

Anyway, I hope you're all well. Love and hugs xx

'Everything in moderation' SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

"You can eat anything as long as it's in moderation, binges are bad for you as is restricting." The number of times I've heard this is unbelievable. It feels like I've heard it thousands of times. Do people really not think I know this? I have a freakin' eating disorder I have read every nutrition and health book I could get my hands on. Of course I know that rationally moderation and exercise is the  best. But what others don't understand is quite how HARD moderation is for me.

I don't know about other eating disordered people but moderation is so difficult for me, even though I'm way far on the recovery path. Eating just a few squares of chocolate instead of the whole bar is a big challenge for me, meaning I can't buy really nice (ie foods I used to binge on) items because I will devour the whole lot in one sitting. Leaving food on my plate is REALLY HARD. The same struggle is there in the gym. If I haven't been x amount of times I might as well not have gone at all. If I eat certain foods I feel like I've automatically put on HUGE amounts of weight.

However the thing about recovery is persistence. This Christmas was the first Christmas I have had when I honest to God didn't really think about food and calorie intake. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full, I didn't have to think about it. And that gives me so much hope. Right now I'm struggling a little more. I am very aware of what I'm eating which I know can easily turn into cutting down, which leads to calorie deficit, leading to weight loss, leading to binges, leading to purges aaaand repeat. So I am putting up a fight, trying to avoid my triggers, trying to mindfully eat and doing activities which are good for my mind and body.

The long road.

As you have heard many a person say, you are in recovery from an eating disorder for the rest of your life. Even though I haven't had a full out relapse in a while I know to call myself 'recovered' would be getting ahead of myself. When I get to a place where I am complacent I suddenly find myself getting triggered because I'm not monitoring myself. I end up triggering myself through:

• magazines: such a trigger for me. Just the pictures and general skinniness.
• Facebook stalking skinny friends: sad I know.
• Watching 'trigger' tv: Supersize vs superskinny is a trigger for me, I found myself watching it the other day and I wasn't feeling so great after. 
• Starting a 'healthy diet': aka starting a new ridiculous diet which I know is unhealthy and I'm just trying to kid myself.

So, now I am so clear on what my triggers are I just have to be careful to avoid them/catch myself when I slip.

Recently I made a friend on my nursing course who is a recovering anorexic. 2 years ago this would have been unhelpful to me as I would have got competitive, but now I find it really helpful, we pick each other up when we are relapsing and are able to keep accountable to one another. 

So my recommendations for facing the long road?

Find out your triggers and AVOID like the plague, and if you feel ready find a buddy to help you recover. 

Eating other people's food.

Yesterday I had a horrible binge. I started the day well, eating a small breakfast and was planning on doing a small food shop. My friend drove us to ASDA and my shop went fine, except I made one rooky error that cost me a binge. Chocolate Philadelphia. My lunch consisted of grapes in this choc philly. Dinner turned into a GIANT  plate of pasta, and guess what? The WHOLE tub of choc philly with toast. Followed by the really expensive Easter chocolate I brought for my mum. I felt so ashamed and disgusting and embarrassed. So I had a very thorough purge and thank God, my weight was down this morning.


This morning my friend Jonny came over, he knows about my bulimia but after today's event I decided I can't tell him anything again. I told him about my binge. His response "you ate the WHOLE tub, hmmm classy." I felt so disgusting. It was the least helpful response. I'm never going to talk to him about it again.


Well you live and learn! 

Treat day!

Today was my first treat day (once a week I allow myself whatever I want for one meal.) Me and my flatmate went to a fabulous little patisserie and I ate all the things I don't allow myself normally - croissant with cheese and mushrooms for main, followed by a large piece of double chocolate cake. It was perfect. Everything I'd been craving. 


My theory behind treat day is that if once a week I allow myself what I want I won't feel like I'm so cheated of foods I love, and inevitably end up binging. I give myself total permission for this meal - with no thoughts of calories or the effect on the scales tomorrow. I'm in debate about whether I should weigh myself tomorrow. 


I'm pleasantly surprised about how calm I feel, I thought it may bring on a binge, but I wanted this meal to be a pleasant, positive experience, not stained by the guilt of a binge. 
I would highly recommend this idea for those who struggle with strong cravings and binges. 


I will have soup with rhyvita for dinner. 

Resisting A Binge.

Yesterday night after dinner the inevitable 'binge pangs' started. If you haven't experienced binge pangs they are horrific. I imagine it's a little how a drug addict feels when they need a hit. You are consumed with the need to eat. Consumed, overwhelmed, obsessed. All you can think about is the food. You feel on edge and jittery. Your mind does this funny thing where it tricks you into thinking one small binge will be fine, and actually you won't feel bad this time. This time you really NEED the binge.
Last night I was close, so close to a binge. I had a start-of-binge (one jammy dodger, one piece of toast, one ryvita) and the urge to carry on, to eat more and more was overwhelming. But somehow, I resisted. This is a massive step for me as I never manage to resist. I was physically shaking I wanted a binge so much but I KNEW I would be glad later if I didn't. So I fought it. It was hard, draining and tiring but I feel quite proud of myself now.


Today I am going shopping with my best friend. Very exciting! On Wednesday I am giving myself a treat. I am going to a lovely bakery with a friend and letting myself have a piece of cake. This is something to look forward to, and I've given myself permission not to feel bad about it.


I lost another pound :)